Every once in awhile I find myself in the throes of a life change. I don’t know where it’s coming from or when it’s going to happen, but I know my life is changing. These changes usually happen when I think I can’t possibly manage one more thing in my life. I’m there right now. I have homework as far as the eye can see and beyond, but I have no desire to do any of it – even with deadlines looming – nope. No.desire.whatsoever.
My job has swallowed me whole and I can’t seem to disconnect from any part of it after my day is done. I constantly think about things I need to do: families I need to see, paperwork I need to complete, group connections I need to make, resources I need to reach out to and professional development that I need to sign up for. I swear, I can’t make it stop…unless I sleep.
So, I sleep. When I’m not working or obsessing over the homework that I’m not doing, I sleep. I don’t work with my dog who needs to be worked with. I don’t clean my house that needs to be cleaned. I don’t hang my curtains that need to be hung. I don’t clean out my car that needs to be cleaned out. I don’t.do.anything. I look at my iPad, take my medicine, take a shower, watch 3 episodes of Father Brown and then I go to bed.
I’m tired. I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of worrying about the homework that I should be doing and don’t have the where-with-all to do. I’m tired of worrying about whether I’m doing my job right. I’m tired of worrying about cleaning my house. I’m tired of worrying about paying bills. I’m tired of worrying about all the things I can change if I just do them. I’m tired of hiding from my life. I’m just tired.all.the.time.
I’m not being grateful. I’m not meditating. I’m not eating right. I’m not sleeping enough. I’m not exercising. I’m not getting things done. I’m not being responsible. I’m hiding from my life. Worst part? I don’t care; but I do care – but I don’t do anything. EVER.
I want to finish my degree. I do. I just can’t make myself focus on the work needed to do it. I want to be successful at my job. I do. I just can’t make myself focus on the work needed to do it. I don’t know how to change anything.
Seriously, I can talk myself out of anything that needs to be done today and tell myself that it can be done tomorrow only to have tomorrow arrive and I close my eyes and do nothing. I don’t care; but I do. However, nothing changes.
How did I find myself in this world of indecision and procrastination? I’m sure I painted myself right into the corner! I’m realistic about my predicament. I’m not blaming anyone but myself. I know better. I’m too old to ‘not’ know better.
I know how to change. I know all the steps it takes to create goals, track the goals, adjust the goals and complete the goals – I teach others how to do this. I know how to eat right. I know how to set aside time each day to do homework. I know how to do my job. I know what I need to do to get my home in order. I know how to take care of my finances. I know lots of things.
I’m not doing anything. I don’t care; but I do. I’m tired.
Sooooo. Yeah. Now what?