Rocks, Clocks, Hard Places & Epiphanies

I’m finding that I search the internet for very odd things these days.  Aside from the normal best places to receive life coaching certification or “how to organize your bathroom” sites, I’m checking out “What the hell do I do now that I’m 50?” and “How do I change really bad habits?”  I’m also trolling sites that offer tips and tricks on how to live your best life after 50 doing what you love on your own time without breaking the bank and putting yourself and your family into debtor’s prison…sooooo many sites for this topic (not).

I’m in between a huge rock of my own doing and hard place of why am I even here?  I keep asking the universe for guidance or to show me a new path, but either I’m not seeing signs or it’s just not my time to change course.  Patience is not one of my virtues.  Excuses and crying I can do.  I’m very good and knowing why I fail at things…mostly because I’m lazy or just really don’t want to do it.  I have to make money though.  I need health insurance.  I need to pay for this borderline poverty somehow…right?  I don’t know.  I don’t think that’s what I’m supposed to feel.  I’m supposed to want something else and more for myself.  If something doesn’t work for me then I’m going to know it.  If I can’t manage to be there and do it right – show up…then I’m probably not meant to be there.  Maybe there were just parts of this job I was supposed to learn, so that I can move onto my next thing – whatever it is.  I can’t even know anymore.  I started out detassling corn, joined the Navy, became a mother who worked as an assistant who became really good at assistanting for a very long time – long enough to be an executive one and make it a stupid career.  Then I added college to that and started writing and reading and learning stuff…realized I could do something with my life that could mean something more than assistanting, but actually assisting and helping people.

Now I want to do more, but I want what I do to matter more than a time clock.  I want what I do to help someone find their path and lead them to find some peace within.  I want to show someone that they can silence the negative movies playing in their heads and re-write their own positive script.  One that will generate kindness to themselves and to others.  I want to take as much time as I need to with them, so we can do what is right for them.  I want to design the program for each person so it fits what they need – not a box, a folder or program that everyone has fit into.  I want them to arrive at their destination when its right for them – on their schedule and not mine.  Just go with what we have and build on what we learn each day.  Kind of like doctors without borders.  I guess mine would be coaching without cubicles…

Maybe, just maybe I’ve outgrown having people tell me how to go about living my life and doing my job.  I know what needs to be done and what I need to do.  All anyone knows now is that I am unreliable, undependable and that I cannot be counted on.  I know why and it’s of my own doing.  I know that.  I’m not stupid.  I will most likely lose my job because of it too.  Because of a clock…and my inability to adhere to rules and regulations of the professional world that runs on the clock.

I’m aware that people are waiting.  I’m aware that other can be there early.  I’m aware that I make our office look bad if I’m not there when I say I will be there.  Most often, I am there.  On time.  Not a minute sooner though.  I can’t figure out why that is.  In my younger days, I was up, out and at work a half hour early every day and most times never left until the job was done.  I would work 50-60 hours a week sometimes and go home to three small children and an abusive husband…take care of business and do it all again.  Over achiever to the max.

I can’t tell you when that changed.  Well, maybe I can…when I was no longer in abusive relationships.  Wow.  Breakthrough.  I can truly can get to the bottom of some things if I write long enough!  I used to leave early to get out of the house and stay late to avoid going home.  Maybe I am ready for a new line of work…guess I’m just going to have to be patient.

C’mon universe….roll them dice!


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