I’m definitely what one would call a “bull in a china shop” kinda gal. Big, awkward and every time I make a move I manage to shatter something precious to someone. I don’t do this intentionally. I’m just made this way. I’m a bull. Not a bully. I wouldn’t hurt a soul – unless they are coming at me – then, well…you get the horns!! I’m fiercely protective of my herd (family & friends) and very loyal to those who treat me well.
Often times, people like me are targeted because we so easily take the bait. We see the red cape and we are ready to fight. The crowd goes wild when the bull is charging toward the target, but when it misses the target and is put to death, all the fanfare goes to the matador. What do we win? Nothing. We get all worked up, go after people and in the end, we are the ones that get put to death. Metaphorically speaking, of course. Anyway, I do this – all.the.time. I let myself get all worked up about something, go after people to set the “record” straight only to have my life and my mistakes thrown back in face and in the end it was all for naught. I didn’t help anyone. I just made myself look crazy and the people I went after win – I look crazy. Which is really, really not a big step.
So, I write. I try to stay away from confrontation and write in my safe place which is here on my blog. A place where I can process my feelings, walk those fine lines and avoid stepping on eggshells around people who do not know me or understand me. My hope is that someone out there might be struggling with things like I am or find something in my writing comforting or funny – you know, just find a little something to make their day a little better? I honestly don’t focus on anyone, but my own inner thoughts and musings.
That being said, I can’t be responsible for how anyone reads into my writing because that’s like saying I’m responsible for how people think! I can’t apologize for what I write because that’s like apologizing for thinking and who on earth apologizes for thinking?? I can’t be sorry for hurting anyone because nothing I’m writing is about anyone, but ME! Weird, crazy, unhinged, “bull in a china shop” me.
Part of what I am doing now is getting uncomfortable with my truths. I know I don’t always do the right things to help people. My weird sense of humor has gotten me into trouble more times than I can count. I don’t always know what to say to people when they are hurting and most of the time I say the wrong thing. I just feel their hurt so much and what I really want to do is run away, cry my eyes out and hide from them, but I feel like I have to stay there and say something! Interestingly enough, I’ve been to two trainings last week and one of the biggest take aways that I got from each one was that so much can be said to someone in their time of need by just being silent. Just sitting with them and being silent. I also learned that I’m not the only person in the world that’s extremely uncomfortable with doing this! I don’t know why that mattered so much to me, but it did.
What I really want folks to know is that no one is perfect. We are all wandering around this earth doing the best we can for ourselves and for each other. Sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don’t. When we do get it right it’s ok to celebrate those victories! Shout from the mountain tops and hoot n’ hollar! When we get it wrong, it’s ok to fix it, move on and do better the next time. Learning is what we do best as humans. When we fail to learn from our mistakes and only see value is pointing out the mistakes of others then no one moves forward. There isn’t any growth or change. Failure is our chance to grow and be better not to flounder and feel sorry for being who we are! We keep moving forward, we keep learning, we keep growing and we keep changing. That is what is important to know today.
Love yourself and each other….today is a good day.