Time After Time

I don’t want to know that much about Business Administration.  Unfortunately, due to my vast amount of experience I do know “that much” about Business Administration.  I wonder?  Does it ever go away?  I’m sure that some of the skills must fade and disappear after not being utilized, but does the knowledge of all that I know ever really go away?

I’m trying to learn all about this job and for the most part, I’m completely in love with the job.  I love the children and parents, planning for visits and talking about development and goals!  Playing and learning, watching parents change in front of me as their confidence grows – it’s amazing!  Then…comes the paperwork.  The Business Administration.  The ‘business’ of caring.  What a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  So many forms, so much data, so many i’s and so many t’s.  Almost like the universe handed me exactly what I asked for with a slight catch – “Here you go, Krissy.  A job that you can feel happy about.  However, there will be mountains of paperwork.  Not just hills of paperwork – mountains.  You will be accountable for taking care of it all too.  So, enjoy your new career!”

Maybe I’m just too old to start over.  Was I kidding myself into thinking that I could just step into another career and change my life?  I’m tinkering away at the college degree.  The online experience was a disaster, but thankfully I have excellent professors and advisors who are determined to help me succeed and my spring semester is off to a much better start!  I’m feeling hopeful about college again…just remind me to sprinkle online in the mix ONLY WHEN NECESSARY!  Yikes!  What a nightmare for me ‘the ultimate procrastinator’.  However, college is only a small part of my reinvention.  This career move has me questioning my very existence.  Do I really have what it takes to do this?  Am I really prepared to do this?  Is this a young person’s job?  I just don’t know.  I feel like a failure every day and the worst part is – I know its of my own doing.

I’ve been practicing meditation daily.  I journal often.  I wake up each day with a grateful heart.  I move through my life with positivity.  I just can’t seem to get a handle on routine and timeliness.  I never could.  I’m always working on a deadline til the very last second.  I’m always running behind even if I go to bed early and wake up early, set my clothes out the night before, make coffee the night before, have everything ready to go – nope.  Not on time.  I don’t know why I can’t prioritize that time element.  I can’t find it and I wish that I could.  To others I know it looks like I don’t care about my job or that wherever I’m supposed to be isn’t important, but that’s not it.  Everything and everyone is very important to me.  I’ve taken classes on time management, read books on time management, changed my lifestyle in order to be better at time management, but every damn time I start out doing well then I slip back into the weirdness that is my life.  One more cup of coffee and I spill it all down the front of my shirt; I forget my phone and have to go back and get it; I lose my keys, my dog gets out and I have to chase him down; I have to listen to the rest of the song on the radio; I fall down and get mud all over my pants, so I need to change my pants; I have to put money in the bank or checks will bounce and the bank doesn’t open until 8:30 am;  always something weird and there I am, like a crazy person falling further and further into the black hole of untimeliness and unreliability.  I hate it.  How do I change?  Why is it so hard for me to change?  Isn’t the first step to fixing a problem admitting you have a problem?  Seriously, people –  I don’t have ducks.  I don’t have a row.  I have many rabid raccoons and they’re climbing the walls!

So what do I do about this conundrum folks?  Am I fooling myself into thinking that I can change?  Do I sabotage my own life into situations so that I don’t have to take responsibility for failing?  Am I questioning my own answers?  Probably all of the above.  Self-analyzing can be good for some, but in my case – well, friends you know me by now.  This is NOT good.

When I begin to self-analyze, I tear into the dark recesses of my brain and mill around in the shadowy corners looking for all the things that are all wrong.  Then I feed those depressive demons some fire and let them party all over my tattered soul.  They break down every little bit of self assurance, self confidence, and self respect that I have managed to garner through my hard work meditating, being grateful and thinking positive and before I know it, I’m a pool of self-loathing and bitterness.  This is where I am wallowing right now and I’m really having a difficult time scratching my way out.

I do well with so many things.  I can care about my family and care for them.  I can take care of my friends and love them immensely.  I can learn about new things and stay abreast of current events, so that I can have good conversations with others.  I can write well and I love to write.  I love to learn about writing!  I also love to read and read as many wonderful things that I can manage to get my hands on!  I can do my work with compassion and diligence.  I can drive well and I love to drive anywhere, anytime!  I can be funny and make people laugh.  I love laughter…it’s the best.  I can love my Jerry with all my heart…even if he looks at me like I’m losing my mind most of the time.  I can take care of my puppy, Johnny Cash!  He loves me so much and him is such a good puppers!  I can organize a party at the drop of a hat.  I am an awesome cook and I kill at making desserts.  I’m great at music trivia.  I can love my children fiercely and I’m rocking this whole grandma gig.

Of course, there are all things I don’t do well – and there are many things I don’t do well.  However, who wants to dwell on the things we don’t do well?  Aren’t we supposed to celebrate the things we are good at doing?  I try to do that every day.  Just like I wake up grateful every day, I try to be mindful of the things that I’m very good at doing.   Be that as it may, time always kicks my ass.

Ever the optimistic, glass half full person, I’m always a day late and well, late.  I could be St. Teresa and what people would focus on is that I’m never on time.   Am I a bad person?  I don’t know.  I feel like one, even though I know I do good things – I always feel bad for being late.  I’m always letting people down and they always tell me I’m letting them down.  As I’ve said before, I’ve done so many things to try to change this behavior and now at 50 I’m beginning to wonder if I will ever get there.  I have four calendars with alarms, I set five alarms in the morning, I go to bed earlier every night, I have three different types of planners, I meditate, I’ve changed my diet, I take vitamins, and I listen to every suggestion that anyone makes to me.  “Leave earlier” – I do and then I think I have enough time to stop for a coffee and the line is long and then I’m late.  Make coffee before you leave.  I do, then I spill it all down the front of my shirt and have to go in and change – I’m late.   Am I the only person that jacked up shit happens to all the time?  Maybe I am…or maybe I just attract the jacked up shit.  Does the universe do this?

Universe needs to help me with this time stuff.  Come to think of it, I really haven’t asked universe to help me with this particular issue, so I guess since everything else seems to be on track I better throw that request out there!

So, here’s my plan:  Ask Universe to help me manage my time, health and exercise plan.  If they get on track over the next few months then I’ll know I made the right requests.

Stay tuned…..

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