Back when I thought this….

Sometime in May of 2018, before I got hired at this new fangled job of Parent Educator, I was in this state of mind and I wrote this blog.  I spent an entire day writing this!  I don’t know why I didn’t post it because it’s pretty good stuff – crazy and all.  I really remember feeling all these feelings and I still feel some of them, but I’m not sleeping all the time and I’ve super chilled on the “overeating” deal.  Anyway, I think it’s a good read, so I thought I’d share because you never know who might identify with how I was feeling.  I also think it’s important to note that this is how I “was” feeling and I don’t feel this way now.  Its different now, still a bit strange, but I never said anything about me wasn’t a bit strange, so that shouldn’t surprise anyone.  I’d love to know your thoughts!

I’m going through this bi-polary thing this month and it’s so awful that I feel completely paralyzed.  I don’t know if it’s a symptom of this turning 50 thing or facing my fears deal or being afraid that all my dreams just might actually happen.  I sleep constantly and if I’m not asleep I’m eating everything that isn’t nailed down.  I don’t know what that’s about either.  I’m eating at really weird times too and sleeping at really weird times.  Like when normal people are going about their day – in daylight, I’m under blankets, deep in some pretty hefty dreams.  Really vivid crazy ass dreams.

The other day – yes, day – I had a dream about my Grandma Henry (who is not with us on earth anymore).  She was dressed in dark clothes and was healthy, walking around with all kinds of little children and babies around her.  She had two babies in her arms and she was smiling.  I remember thinking how her green eyes were twinkling and how soft her skin felt.  Her skin always felt so soft, like rose petals.  I just don’t know how else to describe it.  I was so calm and happy watching her with the children.  I was helping her so effortlessly.  I have no idea who these children were or why there were so many, but I was so calm and I felt so at ease moving among them with her there holding those little babies.

My mom was there as well.  She was dressed in dark clothing like my Gramma and walking around like no one’s business; mind you, mom just had knee replacement surgery and has been going through so much with her recovery, but she was sure lively in my dream!  She didn’t see my Gramma though….just me.  She was barking orders at me.  Having me move things from one place to another.  She and I were in a kitchen and Gramma was with all the babies and little children in another room.  There I was looking at my Gramma, so sweet and beautiful with all those little children and babies around her.  She looked so happy and I just wanted to hang out with her, but I couldn’t because I needed to help my mom get stuff ready for something – I don’t remember the particulars, but she was pointing at pots and pans, bins and food and I was lifting and moving and doing everything she asked me to do.  Then I woke up.  I lay there thinking about where I was and had the sudden realization that I had nowhere to be.  I had no children to care for, no Gramma and no mom to help out that day.  I had no where to be, so I rolled over, pulled the covers over my head and I went back to sleep hoping that I could go back to that dream and be busy again.

I’m not sad.  I’m not even sure I’d call this depression.  I’m just very listless and uninterested in my own existence.  I don’t know why I’m here.  I’ve lost purpose.  I’m flailing around in this space of no permanency.  This isn’t my home, so I can’t plant roots and make anything grow.  I can’t make changes or do anything permanent because this isn’t my home.  I can’t get involved in the community because this isn’t my community, but I don’t know when I’m leaving.  The longer I’m here the worse this is getting.  Nothing is moving forward and I’m stuck in this nowhere…listless, foggy, overeating, and sleeping too much.

Overheard at the watercooler:

Sure Krissy, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and be grateful for what you have!  You’ll get there!  You are right where you should be!  Meditate!  Pray!  The Universe never gives you more than you can handle!  Love is the answer!  Just make a plan!  Just start somewhere!  Just stick with it!  You are great!  I love you! The best things happen when you least expect it!  Be patient!  Ask for what you need and you will receive it!  You are the only person stopping you from achieving your goals!  You should journal!  You should see a therapist!  You need to see a doctor!  You should – Have you? – I think you need – etc.

I’m sure I’ve missed a few support lines.  They are all things that I’ve shared with other people when they were in tough spots.  I know each drill.  Especially, the most important one – wake up grateful every day.  I do, then I go back to sleep and wake up grateful again, then go back to sleep and so on.  I try to be awake before or by the time Jerry gets home from work.  Believe it or not, I feel shame for sleeping all day and sometimes I tell him that I haven’t slept all day.  Of course, now he’s going to know that I lie about my sleeping all day sometimes…..just sometimes.  Bless his heart, he reads my blog.

I’m trying to be mindful that I’m in a relationship, so at the very least I do try my very best to care and be present for my Jerry.  He’s been so patient with me through this, he deserves whatever I can squeeze out of my consciousness.  Believe me – he gets all of it because it’s all I can manage and that’s how much I love that guy!  He honestly had no clue what to do with me right now, but I’m happy he’s at least willing to ride it out.  See?  I’m still capable of grateful.

Laundry and dishes are an adventure around here.  Laundry really isn’t a big issue since I basically wear the same thing for days.  All I really need to wash is Jerry’s work clothes and a couple of towels.  He’s so easy-going that he doesn’t even care if I fold his clothes or put them away.  Which is a REALLY good thing because he doesn’t have anywhere to put them – he doesn’t have a dresser and the closet is full of clothes that I don’t wear and will probably not fit into if I ever get to wear them again.  Matter of fact, our whole bedroom is a weird situation.  Like we just threw all the leftover stuff in there and topped it off with a mattress and blankets.  Done.  I hate that room and that’s where I’ve been for most of the past three or four weeks – maybe more, I’ve lost count really – how ironic

Dishes are a funny deal for us.  Those fuckers pile up like Mt. Everest!  Seriously!  We are horrible at doing them – both of us are!  Thankfully, Jerry has been way better at keeping on top of the mountain lately.  He washes the dishes, but that’s it.  I put away and wipe things down.  So basically, the stove can be covered in grease and food bits for a week before I clean it….it’s happened…but maybe only a couple of times.  I can’t handle a filthy stove and counter for very long.  However, my tolerance level is really growing.  I don’t know if that’s part of whatever is wrong with me right now or it’s part of getting older where you just don’t give a shit about stuff like that anymore.  Guess we’ll find out won’t we?

I do give a shit about tons of stuff that I never thought about before!  So weird how age changes your priorities!  I’m completely heartachey for my granddaughter – like all.the.time.  I miss my Izzy and Tommy on a daily basis.  I want all this family stuff with Jerry’s grandkids and I can’t have that either!  I’m just all weird and emotional about it.  I literally cry about it if I think about it!  So, I’m going to stop writing about it now because it’s making me cry.

Today I’m rocking the 70’s Lite Rock tunes on Pandora – Jerr’s favorite!  Not really.  He’s not the first to call it my “hippie music”.   The songs just drum up so many memories for me.  I love how music does that.  At least I can still feel happy in this fatigue fog with my hippie music playing in the background!  Sure, I’m filtering through a lot of memories when I should be focusing on my future, but people you have to remember I have no fucking idea what I’m doing right now, so I’m going with what feels good.

Tonite is my helper night at the local tavern.  I chop veggies, do dishes, and make tacos when I’m called upon to do so.  Basically, I just do what I’m told and keep my head down.  I like it.  I’m invisible back there and it’s pretty nice.  Plus it’s four hours that I’m paid to be out of my house in real people clothes.  Fours hours that I’m not thinking about the past, present or future.  Just chopping, washing and serving up tacos.  Gets me out of my own way for four hours and I’m helping someone out.  Helping someone out is always a great thing for me.  Another thing that keeps me out of my head.

I told someone last week, (like I can remember who I told?) some days I feel like I want to keep sleeping because my dreams are so awesome I want to stay there where I’m happy.  I even know in my dreams that I shouldn’t stay so long.  I get uncomfortable and things suddenly go black just so I force myself awake.  Then I’ll lie there thinking about all of things I should get out of bed and do.  Vacuum, clean the kitchen, laundry, write, complete my paperwork for people who I promised I would complete and send, mail out the box for my granddaughter, wash my sheets and blankets, and quite possibly even to the Y and work out.  And then one by one, I talk myself out of each and every single thing by telling myself I can try again tomorrow.  Guess what happens on tomorrow?

Some days I actually do some of the things.  I’ll clean up the house and stuff.  I’ll make dinner.  But then I’ll ruin all that ambition by staying up til 3 am watching some BBC series on Netflix and happy dream sleep all day the next day.  Back to square 0.  Finding myself right here where I am.  Am I supposed to be here?

I didn’t stay up until 3 am today, but I didn’t sleep either.  I got up at 5:30 am.  I did take care of some laundry and organized a few things and I trimmed my nails.  I drank a pot of coffee and have been working on this weird blog.  I decided about 1 pm that I could switch to beer.  I haven’t had one of those since last Saturday when my day was completely shit on.  I’m still not dressed, but I am wearing pants….baby steps people.

Food and showering is next on my pretend list.  I don’t want to be hammered and smelly when I go to the tavern later.  I have to chop stuff and smelly is never a good look on anyone.  Plus – this hair.  God.  I really need help with 50-year-old naturally curly hair dos.  I need a tribe.  I can’t live my life alone anymore.




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