Now What?

Ever remember hearing your mother ask you “Now what?” when as a child you approached her with your latest crisis?  I remember my mother asking me that and I remember asking my own kids that question.  Like, what could possibly be wrong now?  I remember thinking to myself as I was in the midst of my latest tragedy, “Should I tell her?  Does she even care?”  Then sulking off, with my head hung low, saying, “Nothing. Never mind.”

I know she cared and would have listened to me drone on about how no one was nice to me at school or how my brother just got away with not doing his chores while I slaved away doing mine; but that “Now what?” just stopped me dead in my tracks and made me re-evaluate what I was about to do or say.  Honestly?  I had to think to myself, “Is this really a big deal?  Does she really need to hear this same sob story again?  Can I manage this on my own?”  More often than not, I managed just fine without playing out the same stories that I had come to her to resolve many times before.

So, I’m here asking myself “Now what?” because I’m once again in unfamiliar territory and not sure what I’m to do or where I’m to go.  I’m, quite literally, in the middle of my life wondering “what the hell?”  Remember back when I said I thought I’d be wearing day-glo outfits and dressing up some little pooch, taking selfies with it and talking about it with my fellow day-glo wearing/little pooch-loving gal pals while drinking wine and eating cheese?  I’m not.  I’m here in my rented home, wearing the same pjs I wore yesterday, drinking coffee – alone.  I know how I got here and I know how to get out of here, but my issue is that I don’t want to do the same thing that got me here in the first place.  You know? Doing the same thing and expecting different results?  Insanity?

I’m not feeling sorry for myself because I’m the one who is here in the middle of my life – I got here on my own; and really, I do know what I’m doing – which, currently, is nothing.  Most days I revel in the calmness and peace.  I have no deadlines or self-pitying admonishments to replay over and over in my skull.  I have no need or desire to feel sad or lonely…so I don’t.  I’m a little pissed that I can’t seem to motivate myself to do the things I think I want to do, but therein lies the rub…why the hell would I be motivated to do something I really have no desire to do?  Shouldn’t one be motivated to do things she loves to do or WANTS to do?  Yeah, weirdness all the way around.

I’m on a “Journey” to figure some shit out.  Taking classes to examine these dark, hidden corners of my life; however, I want to shine some light on the things that are out in the open and ready to burst!  No one can seem to explain to me, rationally, why I have to keep dredging up dark moments in my life and reliving things I don’t want to relive in order to live a better existence. I want to focus on the positive existence that I currently live in…and figure out how to make it better.

But…I have to look really hard at my history.  I have to face things that keep holding me back.  I say, “Fuck that! Now what?”

I was watching a tv show last night about a woman who was learning how to live her life as a divorced woman.  She had all the motions and emotions that one would expect: anger, sadness, elation, followed by more anger and sadness.  One thing that I could not resonate with was when she couldn’t sleep, she got up and cleaned cupboards, re-arranged furniture, worked on her business plan, exercised, read books, etc.   If I can’t sleep, I get up and binge watch Netflix – take a sleeping pill and go back to bed – and then sleep too late the next day.  I don’t get people who always have to be doing something. I’m perfectly fine not doing anything – like now.  Yep. Nothing.  Coffee and typin’ on my blog.  Which I have to admit, writing on my blog is a big helluva “something” because I haven’t written in anything these past couple months except for a few entries in a couple journals.   I’m not one of those people that has to be doing something all the time….but more of a person that if I start pulling at a string, I have to keep pulling until I’m all in.  For instance, I’ll see that the counter needs to be wiped down – I’ll start there, then notice the stove top is in need of a scrubbing, then move on to wiping down the cabinets and before I know it, I’ve scrubbed down the entire kitchen, floor to ceiling.  Then that’s it.  I’m done until I notice something else, like the dirty bathroom mirror, but that could be days – or weeks – and that does not bother me.

What does bother me?  Not much, but a lot.  Dumb things, like a messy house or undone beds, don’t bother me.  Real things, like mean words and sadness, do bother me.  Feeling self-conscious because I’m not employed at this time bothers me, but not wanting to jump head first into another situation that I don’t want to be in – doesn’t bother me. Knowing that I have to find a new road to travel for this next chapter in my life – doesn’t bother me.  Having other people try to give me directions without my permission?  Yeah, that bothers me.

So? Now what?  Well, I’ve got my meds in my head, so my wiring has been fixed.  I’m not ashamed to admit this, but I do need to have my medication to keep me from going off the rails.  Thankfully, after several trials and several errors, I’ve found the right medication, the right dosage along with the right therapy to keep the wires from short circuiting. However, sometimes, like recently, when I didn’t have insurance and money, my script ran a little on the empty side and it was a few days before I could get it filled, things get a little sketchy for me. Even though I found I had enough of an old script of a weaker dosage to manage through the days until the insurance was valid, I am fully aware that without the right dosage my wires short out and I have to take special care of myself until I can be at full strength again.

I’m not embarrassed so much of my depressive tendencies.  Those have been a part of my life in some shape or form as long as I can remember.  I am, however, very embarrassed that I was out of a job, with no insurance and no way to get that medicine within the time frame I needed it.  Funny thing being out of a job.  Funnier still being fired from one.  Hysterical trying to get another one in the middle of winter.  Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious that I’m hitting the big 5-0 this year and no one wants to hire the tired old lady.  Helluva way to begin 2018.

Like I said, got my wires fixed.  Insurance?  Check.  Money?  Check.  Job?  No.  Nadda.  Prospects?  Not good.

Now what?  Well, friends, this old gal isn’t down for the count yet.  I always seem to take a long road to where I’m going, but I learn so much and meet the best people!  I’m going to volunteer for Hospice.  The coordinator said that she was going to try to place me with a veteran.  I like the idea of feeling useful.   I like the feeling of giving back some of what has been given to me – I only hope I can do it justice.  So many people have been so very kind and generous to me over my life time.  

My daughter is going to get a very unique project off the ground which in turn will hopefully springboard another project that I would like to get going, so I’m really looking forward to working with some wonderful imaginative, inspiring women soon!  So – be on the look out for some cool stuff from her and I (and others!).

I was lucky to spend some very valuable time with my girl this week.  I have to admit that more than anything I’ve been doing these past few weeks, that time with her was more healing than anything I’ve done.  Incredible how your children can set your mind to rights.  I love mine so much.  They all manage to touch my heart when my heart needs their special kind of love.  Love really IS the answer.  This I know for sure.

I’ve purchased a new pocket book, bought a new pair of pants and I’m ready to hit the gym.  Ha!  You thought I was going to say go back to work didn’t you?  Gotchya!  Nah…I need to melt some of this fat off my belly!  I had to buy new pants cause well, the belly….so, hence…the gym.  I’m ready.  Now, if the winter stuff would stop falling I would be happier to go!  Geesh.  Enough with the white stuff.  Anyway….

Onto other things.  I’m looking for more efficient, happier, easier things.  Fun, laughter, kindness.  Giving, helping, being.  No more punishment.  No more rushing.  No more judgement.  Just me, my family, my guy…life just as we are.  Doing what we can for each other and others.  I don’t want bigger or better.  I just want forward…onward and upward.

Peace, love and light.  That’s “what”!!!


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