Meltdown in 3…2…1

Well, not really.  After a few days of self evaluation, I realized that I was trying to make decisions about things that have not happened.  Why do we do that?  More importantly, why do I do that?  Counting chickens before they are hatched…I do this.  Thankfully, with age comes wisdom and I’m able to stop myself from jumping off a cliff before I have all the chickens in the coop.

The end of this year couldn’t come sooner.  I will do my best to be grateful each day as they come and go, but I’m not going to put 2017 on a pedestal either.  One day at a time. (Sweet Jesus) Through all of my bad decisions and trials over this past year I have learned that I am pretty resilient.  I get down on myself a lot, but I somehow manage to laugh at my crazy ass and move on.  I can’t change my poor choices, so no point in lamenting over them.  I’ve also had some pretty great things happen and I’ve met some pretty great people…so, there’s that and “that” is really awesome.  Still…I’m definitely living a life in limbo.  I don’t have a permanent home and I’m definitely not counting this current job as an awesome career move. To say that a trained monkey could do this job is not an understatement, but it pays me bi-weekly and provides much needed benefits for my daughter and myself.  I can’t complain.  I have much more than millions and I’m astutely aware of that.  So, to recap:  I have a place to live, a bed to sleep in and a room of my own AND I have a monkey job that provides an income and benefits.  So, there’s that – and “that” is just as groovy as it gets.

Earlier this week, I had a job interview for an entry level monkey job with a growing engineering firm.  The HR director assured me that I would know something yesterday and here I am today with the same knowledge I had yesterday – I know nothing.  Next week I have an interview with a large media corporation.  I’m pretty stoked for this position because for the first time in my life I would be working in an industry that could quite possibly help my professional career.  OK, the position is not my “dream job” but it’s the closest I’ve come to it without degree in hand. Currently, I believe I want this position – I know that could change – especially if I don’t get the job.  When I don’t get a job that I thought I really wanted I become an expert rationalizer.  Mostly, I chalk the disappointment up to “it just wasn’t meant to be or the universe has other plans.”  I can’t say that the rationalizations help me get over the disappointment, but I do manage to keep moving forward despite the let down.  I also avoid going over every single detail of each interview and analyzing every question asked and every dumb answer I gave.  I can really agonize over some of the answers I’ve given and fortuitously hit my head against a wall bewailing my utter foolishness and stupidity, but headaches and bruised foreheads have never served me well.  I eventually give up the ghosts of interviews past and rationalize like any good human would.  I think it’s that “age/wisdom” thing.  I mean really?  I can’t change it, so why lament?   That being said, I want this job so much that I’m actually going to go the extra mile and create a portfolio of my accomplishments and samples of my stellar work.  I figured it couldn’t hurt.  Anyway, it’s still an egg – no chicken.  I will have to just wait and see what happens.  If anything – I tried.  In the end, I’ll still have this monkey job, a place to live, and a car that runs (even if it desperately needs new brake pads). Being this old and starting over kinda blows, but I put myself here, right?  Yeah, right.  Dammit.

At the end of the day, I have a place to live, a job, a car, a beautiful, loving supportive family, happy, fun friends and someone who loves me for all the loony I am.  All in all, a pretty sweet place to be.  The world still spins round and round no matter the troubles or the beauty that surrounds us.  Take the good that you can folks and throw the negative to the curb.  Let’s finish 2016 the best way we know how, ok?

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