Day-Glo and DD

I’m living in a semi-permanent state of the ridiculous. I thought at this point in my life I would be kinda like those over excited middle aged women that wear day-glo flowered shirts and nifty canvas tennis shoes.  Big hair, lots of make up and have “girls nights” with their friends.  Where they drink too many margaritas and eat too much guacamole.  They laugh too loud at really dumb things and talk about their pets and husbands like they are children.  Oh, and when they talk about their kids???  Oh, I even have a voice I do when I describe them.  Obviously, my plan to be one of them hasn’t worked out.

Instead I’m a ridiculous middle aged woman sleeping on her parent’s couch (of no sleep). I baked a cake last night just because it was the only way I could be alone in a room – small kitchen and when someone is cooking you get the hell out.  I’d say that about the bathroom, but you remember what it’s like living with toddlers?

Anyway, my weird humor has fully resurfaced and I’m kind of on a roll.  My cousin had to pull over today when I told him about the stand up tour I was planning – and the new support group for twice divorced people…instead of AA it’s DD.  “Hi, my name is K and I’ve been divorced twice. (Hi, K)  I’ve been having a tough year being single.  I almost considered a third wedding, but thankfully my sponsor hit me over the head with a rubber mallet.  Whew.  That was close.  This week I’ve collected my 2 year ring, so I’m really proud of that.  I’m financially ruined and homeless, so thank God! I decided not to pursue alimony, right?  Because that’s really working out for me now.  (insert sarcastic tone) But, through prayer and meditation, and this group, I know I’m going to find serenity.  Please join me in the Serenity Prayer:  God, grant me the courage to say NO when someone asks for my hand; the wisdom to stop trying to find a soul mate and the balls to take care of my own shit. Amen.”  We will have a secret handshake too…I already have it planned.  It’s brilliant.

I realized yesterday that I’m getting really – REALLY good at this starting over stuff.  I had lunch with a real sweetheart of a person – she’s a life coach.  (My new boss introduced us – he thought I could use her help…God, I’m ridiculous).  Anyway, she and I are very like minded and she is a real treasure, but when an experienced life coach tells you that you are doing all the right things and that she had nothing to add except for to keep doing what I’m doing – something is not happening in my universe.  Seriously?  If I’m doing all the right things then why the hell is my life such a fucking shit storm? (my three favorite words right now, so I’m sorry if you are offended…oh, and ridiculous.  I find that word just delicious.)  Anyway – life coach – right things – shit storm –

So?  WTF?  I’m beyond any measure of help from anyone because I’m doing the right things?  I asked her how long do I have to live in this constant state of rebuilding, discovery and healing and she said there’s not a definite time for anyone to be fully transformed because we are always in a state of change.  Not a good answer when I want to be wearing day-glo clothing and own a shitzhu and dress it in tutus and show pictures like it’s a human.

No Day Glo for me.  No pets.  Not a damn thing.  Instead?  I really don’t even know what to call this other than “ridiculous fucking shit storm”

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