My Grandma used to say, “You can ‘if, if, if your life away.” I miss her comfort when I get worried. She was so kind and gentle; yet could bring you to your knees with a statement like that. Something so simple. At the time, I thought, “Yeah, yeah Gramma. I know, but I just wish things were different. If I could just get this, then that would happen…” Now? Now, I totally understand what she was saying. “If wishes were fishes, we’d all cast our nets in the sea.” Wishing for something doesn’t make it happen – more often than not, it makes things worse.
All things considered, things are moving forward. At this point in the game, I’m sliding into 3rd base this weekend. I’ve hit a grounder for a base hit with a new job. I had to start somewhere and starting with income seemed the best place to begin. Then, I stole 2nd on a pop up and managed to nail some financial planning down. Always good to know where you stand financially when you are starting over – again. I can’t say that my financial outlook gave me the “warm fuzzies”, but at least I’m heading in a better direction.
My brother hit a single to right field and got me to 3rd – barely. The “big move” of my earthly belongings begins tomorrow. Hopefully, I’ll have all of my things tucked neatly away in my 10’x20′ storage unit by late Friday night. If I can get the house cleaned up on Saturday morning, then I’ll be safely home again.
Then what is left? Not a whole hell of a lot. I’m camped on the “couch of no sleep” for an undetermined amount of time. At least I refreshed the pillows, got a better blanket and have removed most of the gummy worms, graham cracker crumbs and sucker sticks from the cushions! I have not mastered the art of falling asleep easily with the tv on, but I’m determined to figure that out – even if it requires medication – lots and lots of medication!!
I have no idea where any of my clothes are – well, they are in bags, boxes and bins. The three key “b’s” of a transient. I have shoes hidden all over my parent’s house because the baby likes to wear everyone’s shoes then leave them in a place that only a toddler can find again – some day. My make up is in a bag, my bathroom necessities are in a bag and every day I manage to forget which one is which. Today I had to wear my glasses to work and I have no make up on – so yeah – there’s that.
My brother, mom and dad graciously offered to set up one of my beds in the already cramped foyer, you know, just so I’d have a bed to sleep in. I love that they were being so considerate of my sleeping situation, but I just couldn’t allow that. Temporary things like that somehow become permanent. Plus it’s like I’ve turned into an invalid that requires a bed to be set up in a more convenient place to be cared for and looked after. Also, the idea of someone coming to the door and there I am in all my glory – hair smashed up, crusty mascara leftovers and most likely dried drool on my face…Thanks, but I’ll pass.
I’m still in the game though. I know it may be awfully “late” in the game, but I’m still in it. I have so many moments of laughter and love with the babies each evening that I wouldn’t trade those memories for all the tea in China. Who else will tell me that I’m old? Where else can you be hand fed soggy Cheerios?
You see, I know things will evolve and change. I know that I will eventually get on my feet and move into a new little nest. I know that my job will evolve and change allowing me more freedom to do the things I love to do. I know that my life isn’t about sleeping on a gummy worm, graham cracker crumb couch. My life is about knowing that if I need to be on that couch, I can be there for however long I need to be there.
So, if my dad wants to make sure I have lunch money and that everyone has their “go cups” in the morning – then that’s just how it is. If mom wants help with supper every night, then ok. The babies want cereal and chocolate milk and the rest of us are ready for a beer. We have an ok deal going there inside that big house on Main Street. We laugh together, cry together, eat together, drink together and we take care of each other. We are all a bunch of loons to be sure, but those who crazy together make it work together when the chips are down.
If I did things differently maybe my life would be different. Yeah, maybe.
Do I wish my life was different? I don’t know – I kinda dig this freedom.
However, I have faith and I have hope –
Hope…crazy thing isn’t it? Hope can scare the pants off you, but it’s better than ‘if’s and wishes’.