Big Fish, Little Pond and the List

So.  Moving on from my “Richard Experience” I’m carefully swimming into the rough waters of dating…if you can call it “dating”.  The ride has definitely been interesting – sometimes hysterical and sometimes extremely frustrating!  What is all this?  I still have no clue, but I’m learning about what I will accept and what I won’t.  I’m learning that what others expect from me are not the same expectations I have for myself.  If those two don’t match – buh, bye.

Every day I am grateful that I have this life to live.  Even if it may seem like a huge shipwreck, I’m still grateful that I want to keep going.  I don’t have lofty expectations of finding “the one” or a soul mate.  Among my family and my friends I have plenty of “ones” and “soul mates”.  I have people who give me what I need – love, affection, support, guidance and even a slap of reality when I need it.

I just throw my net into the sea because I keep thinking that if I don’t, I’ll miss the opportunity to meet someone who is just the person I’ve been looking for.  My net isn’t cast just into the sea of internet dating, but into life itself.  Who knows?  I might just be someone’s cup of tea.  I haven’t lost hope.

Although, I should have lost hope after the experience that was Richard.  I didn’t.  I think if it almost happened, then it could happen.  He and I weren’t meant to be together – I know that.  I learned from the experience though.  I learned that I want someone to hug and kiss me for no reason – even if he isn’t the “touchy-feely” type.  I learned that I liked cooking together and laughing like crazy about the absurdities in every day life.  I’ve adopted the credo “Why wouldn’t ya?” because well, why wouldn’t I?

The past couple months have definitely been a big lesson.  I met one guy that I could easily talk to and who laughed with me.  We talked for hours and hours! Then we met face to face.  I know it’s superficial, but yikes!  I tried to love him because I didn’t want to be that person, but I just couldn’t get past it.  Plus, he was milk toast.  No fire.  Not even “spark”.  He was great to talk to on the phone, but boyfriend material he was not.  I hated that he didn’t have a car.  I did the picking up.  I hated that he worked nights and had weird nights off.  I hated that he had no ambition to change either thing – car or job.  I hated that he wouldn’t do anything he could to be with me.  I’m a freakin’ hoot! I want someone who can’t wait to be with me!!!  Ugh…I had to cut that loose and I did.

Then there was the blind date – don’t worry, he wasn’t really blind, just an awful set up.  He didn’t have a real name.  That bothered me right away.  His first name was X.  I’m not kidding.  My friend, the set up failure queen, insisted he was a great guy.  Again, no job, no car.  This is where I started my “list”.  Anyway, I met him.  Public place and at first glance I thought – ok – this won’t be terribly awful.  However, I was wrong.  He smiled at me when I greeted him. Mr. X had no teeth.  He had six kids that he was paying child support for and no teeth.  No job, no car, and no teeth.  When I told him that I just didn’t think we were right for one another and wished him well, he asked me for a ride home because he had his sister drop him off.  Really?  I was in awe that he was “that” confident that he could show up without a ride home! I said I was sorry and that he should call his sister to come pick him up.  Paid the bill, left him $10 and I walked out.

Must have a valid driver’s license, a car, a job, and teeth.

I’ve talked to a couple of guys that were younger.  Odd for me because I just don’t see it.  Don’t see the attraction and don’t understand any women’s desire to be a “cougar”.  So…add to the list – must be old enough to know who the Beatles are.

Now there are others from the online sea of weirdos.  I may belong there because I’m a bit off myself.  However, I just don’t understand how a person can have a great conversation with me, have so much in common with me – then just shut it down because some other weirdo has given him a glimmer of hope in some nonsensical way.  By all means, follow up with that.  She’s obviously the right one for you.  She’s cryptic, doesn’t contact you and is trying to find herself.  So much for honesty…kills me every.damn.time.

I don’t mess around.  I’m honest and that may be my cross to bear, but I think it’s cruel to tease someone.  I also think it sucks to talk to someone and the first chance they get they send a picture of “a thing” that no one in their right mind asks for or even wants!  I have so many of those damn pictures I think I may start a website called: http://www.unwanteddickpics.com.  But then I’m skimming across the top of the ruddy waters of porn.  Unfortunately, there is an audience for that.  Just not me.

I ask myself (and everyone else asks me) “what do you want?”  Honestly, I don’t know, but I’ll know when I find him.  When someone can’t wait to meet me and does everything in his power to make it happen – maybe that will be him.  When someone gets my goofy humor and can banter back with me with some great lines too – maybe that will be him.  I’d like to find him, but for now it just appears that all I’m attracting are men that want someone to save them, pamper them and be their soul mate.  I’ve tried to save before and failed. I’ve tried to be everything that I thought he wanted and failed.  I’ve tried to be a soul mate and failed.  I may have failed, but I’m not a failure.  I do have hope.

For now, I’ll just sit here on the dock with my feet in the water, watching the sun go down and a cooler of cold beer next to me.  I’m happy with who I am and where I am.  I’d just like to have a partner to sit there with me and talk about weird stuff…or maybe we just don’t talk at all.  We just enjoy the peacefulness of fishing and drinking beer.

Some day some one will be cool with being part of my weird little trip.  Until then, I’m ok with how things are right now.  “If wishes were fishes we’d all cast nets in the sea.” ~ Frank Herbert.  I have my wishes and I’ll cast my net.  Who knows?  I may catch a rubber boot, but I may catch a starfish! One that has:

A valid driver’s license

A car

A job

Teeth

Wit

Humor

Kindness

Laughter

Hope

and…knows who the freakin’ Beatles are!

I think it’s a fair list.

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